Chapter 3: Revelation

This story is not chronologically-aligned with the other stories. This story is recent and I thought I'd share it, since it snapped me out of my "Jerkdom" bubble and back to the real world. 

I am back in our beloved Middle East for a job offer that made it worth my while (even though I never wanted to end up here, but I did anyways), and I am living alone because let's face it; I would rather jerk off with sandpaper than stay with any relative I have there (despite their excessive pleas for me to stay with them). 

One afternoon, I am hanging out watching TV, and I get a call from one of my booty calls and for the sake of this story, we'll call her "Ms Booty Call". She is a mid-twenties corporate slave with one of those bodies that get you instantly physically aroused; brunette,slim, tall with an awesome rack. The reason I really liked Ms Booty Call is that she was straight-forward. She made it clear that our relationship was purely physical and that she didn't need anything more than that, so I've agreed (which one of you would say no to that, especially considering how hot she is). I've managed to keep our relationship going for months, until that day when she called.

Ms Booty Call: Hey, are you home?

JC: Yes.

Ms Booty Call: What are you doing? Are you busy?

JC: Nah, just came from work and not going out for a couple of hours to meet some people.

Ms Booty Call: Can I come over? My family is setting me up on a blind date and I am kind of stressed and needed some stress-reliever. 

JC: Yes, sure. Bring something to drink with you because I am all out.

Thirty minutes later, she's knocking on my door with the drinks and that seductive look on her face. She walks in, looks around and goes

Ms Booty Call: What are you doing?

JC: Watching a show.

Ms Booty Call: What kind of show?

JC: A TV show.

Ms Booty Call: Hmmmmm.

I absolutely knew what was behind this conversation and what that Hmm means, and by the time I looked around she was already on top of me. Ms Booty Call was one of a few booty calls I've had at the time, and she was honestly one of my favorites. We get it on and after we're done, she gets dressed and takes off to go to her blind date. 

I went back to my couch to watch TV, because I didn't need to be out for another couple of hours, so I thought I'd kick back and have a drink while I watch the show I had to TiVo, because of her surprise visit. I am sipping on my drink, and I am thinking: The poor bastard would be all nice and polite to her and would have no idea that she was in bed with another dude an hour before. And then it hit me: What if she does the same to me? What if this was done to me by other girls (and given the amount of girls I went on dates with, I won't be surprised). It must have had happened to me, at least once. I am JC. I am THE jerk of all jerks. I don't get played. 

I sat there for a couple of hours thinking about that, and I've decided to meet with the guys. I explained what happened and they started laughing at me.

Friend: What the hell? Why is this getting to you?

JC: Because I don't get played. 

Friend: You know that it's quite possible that there's at least a female version of you, and I am sure there hundreds of them

JC: HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE? (I am not making any sense at that point)

Friend: Haven't you done the same thing before? Been with a girl in the morning and another later the same day? 

JC: YES, SO?

Friend: Well, if you've done it, then what is the problem if other girls do it?

JC: BECAUSE I DON'T GET PLAYED, YOU FUCKIN' DOUCHE!

Friend: You weren't played. You are not exclusive with this girl.

As you can see, I was not making any sense to them. And my cocky side refuses to admit that it's in the realm of possibilities that any of the girls I get with can actually do that, let alone do it to me. 

I've spent weeks talking to close female friends to try to understand how the hell was it possible for this to happen to me. And there was the dumb ones and the air-headed ones with their dumb-ass comments. 

Only one smart friend made sense to me:

Friend: Sweetheart, it is possible for this to happen. And it's always the girls who never give away any slutty vibe that are the ones juggling more than a couple of guys at the same time.

JC: But I am awesome in bed.

Friend: And so are other guys, honey. You should make peace with the fact that there are other guys who are good in the sack as you are. It happens. 

I honestly don't think I was ever the same after that. After being the player, I felt that I was suddenly the playee and it was NOT fun. I obsessed with this issue for an entire night, and it didn't end up very well.

Fellas, no matter how good are you, you've been played (at one point or another). Accept it as a fact and move the fuck on. That's what I've done, but I've never been the same since.

JC

Follow me on Twitter: @TheJerkCode

Chapter 2: A Jerk In The Making

Before I keep going with this story, I'd like to say that I was young, stupid and retarded to an extent. I am not proud of anything I have done back then.

So, there I was back home, heartbroken and can't stand the sight of women. Somehow, during my "depression" phase, I found the internet. Back then when the internet was monopolized by AOL and those sounds were your best friend. I ended up spending tons of time on the internet, meeting a shitload of new people. And there was this one girl in particular that I clicked with, Chastity (No, she was not a stripper, you perverts!). We spent hours chatting online (Fuck you, don't judge me. I was "depressed"), moved on to all night phone calls with the same "you hang up, no you hang up first" crap. Back then, I think I brought out this lame shit in girls. Anyways, there was one tiny problem with Chastity; she lived like 7 hours away. You all probably know what a dumbass I was back then, so needless to say we started calling what we had a "relationship". Yes yes, I know it's sad!

This went on for a few weeks, then we decided that she should come over and we can spend some actual physical time together. I have picked the perfect weekend, my family has just went down the shore and I had the house all to myself. And not only was it all about making out this time, but I've also just explored the wonderful world of sex. We have successfully unlocked the "Exploit every inch in the damn house by having sex there" achievement. I was the happiest dumbass in the world then. Even when I found my family was coming back home, I decided to book a hotel room and keep banging there. We had the time of our lives back then. She was perfect, I was crazy about her and she was madly in love with me (Poor girl!). Anyways, it went on for a few months where we'd go back and forth to meet up and of course, fuck. There was lots of fucking involved in this relationship.

I was over Jess (I think) and a friend got me this job at the local bar, and I thought to myself that it can't be that bad. I took the job and started working night shifts and boy was I in for a surprise. The bar was down the street from the local college and we'd have tons of them sorority girls at the place every night. And for the first time of my life, I've had girls coming on to me. EVERY NIGHT! I've had girls leaving me their phone numbers on the bill, girls waiting for me outside the bar when I finished work, girls drinking with me every night. Let's face, what kind of 18 year old dumbass won't be happy with this kind of life, and I most certainly ecstatic about it. I found myself being dragged back to sorority houses, having sex in the backseats of their cars in the parking lot, making out at work hours and in some cases having quickies in the storage room. You might call this cheating, but I was calling it "Exploring my options". 

And here's something that the guys will understand, don't know about the women though; once you have lots of options in your life, the old ones start coming back. Not only was I with Chastity, AND hooking up with random girls every night, but Jess decided to show up in my life again. She was back to the states, and wanted to meet up. And me being the jerk (I wasn't really) I was back then, I decided to take her out. And it felt as if we haven't broken up almost a year earlier, it was great and familiar and reminded me of the feelings I have had for her before.

So there I am working every night, meeting a shitload of new girls, in a long distance relationship with Chastity and dating Jessica AGAIN. How awesome is that?! I was living every guy's dream, making a lot of money (for someone my age), meeting new girls and getting lots of sex (Yes, sex is VERY important :P).

This went on for a while until Jess proved to be the same bitch I've known and loved. She was pulling the same old shit again, dating someone else on the side. Chastity had found out that I was with someone else when I was with her, and I had to take some time off work to deal with school.

So, here's what I've learned from that period of time:

1. When a guy is committed, the more his options are (most likely he'll be chased with girls too).
2. A guy can think he can juggle a couple of relationships at the same time, but he's bound to get caught, no matter how long it takes (Sometimes after he breaks up as well).
3. An ex is an ex for a reason, don't go fishing in the past and don't get back with them.
4. You might think that you can ignore school as long as you're making money, but that doesn't last. 

A word of advice; explore your options because experience is what makes you the person you are today. And always keep in mind that there's a fine line between exploring your options and being a Jerk, and I've demolished that line. 

JC

Follow me on twitter @TheJerkCode

Chapter 1: The Beginning

I’ve decided to stick to Selena’s advice and keep blessing the lot of you with my endless supply of jerkdom (Jerk Wisdom) and tell my stories.

To further understand my experiences, you’ll need to understand my upbringing. I grew up in the west - yes yes, that’s where the “infidels” come from - and I used to visit our beloved middle east for summers and vacations with our family. Around the age of 15 or 16, I met a girl called Jessica. Man, was I head over heels for the damn girl. I mean, it was more of puppy love than actual love. I was 15 for Christ’s sake! NO JUDGING! Let’s just say that I made a very bold move to stay in the middle east for a year in high school, despite that my family was giving me hell for it, and I made it for her.

I experienced the wonderful phase of dating, HONEYMOON PHASE! The late night phone calls which of course included the “You hang up, no you hang up first” crap, the morning wake up calls which was basically me telling her how amazing it is to hear her voice in the morning even though it sounded like someone choking a couple of pandas in there, the time-spending together like we’re fucking Siamese twins, the making out in the movie theater (again NO JUDGING!), the making out on the street, the making out in the car. Let’s just say, there was a lot of making out, and the reason behind is that I have just discovered making out and I was exploring that wonderful creature that made me relate to every word I heard in love songs and every romantic movie ever made.

And considering the amount of making out that was involved in this relationship, my mind was set: “This is the girl I am gonna marry. I have found the love of my life, and the person I want to spend my life with. How on earth would people bitch about being heartbroken and that they can’t find true love”. I was totally convinced that it was my good luck that blessed me with my “Soulmate” from the first relationship. And what do you do when you’re that sure that you’ve found the person you’re gonna spend your life with? You introduce her to the family! (Yes, I know. I was fuckin’ retarded back then). And naturally, my family who doesn’t like anyone (and probably hate themselves as well) actually liked her and all of a sudden she was over at our house all the time. Oh, man! I miss the “Jess, can you come in here and ‘Help me pack’ or ‘Help me find my orange socks’ (I SAID NO JUDGING!!)”. 

I have failed to mention that Jess - despite the fact that she was younger - was a major player. The damn girl would dance in fuckin’ circles around you and juggle a couple of relationships while she’s doing it. I’d wake up, call her. I’d go for a dump, call her. I’d call her before, during and after I eat. If my ass needed scratching, I’d call her to let her know. I was probably the clingiest, most annoying, obnoxious “thing” you can possibly endure. I would have broken up with me back then, and breaking up with me she did. We’re on the phone one day and she’s like she can’t take it anymore and she needs a “break”, little did I know back then that a break means an actual break up (I found out a couple of days later that she was actually seeing another guy already).

At that point of time, I was done with finals and ready to head back home. So I packed up my stuff, got my box of tissues (for my tears, not the other thing you perverts!) and hopped on a plane. I went back loathing everything that was female and can’t help but wonder - that until this day I can’t find an answer for - How could such beautiful creatures be so evil? I went into, what I thought back then, was depression. I curled up in my room, listened to sad heartbreak songs and sulked. That went on for a couple of weeks and then I decided to get a job at the local bar (A lot of stories in upcoming posts about what a turning point that bar was for my dating life) to help me “get over her”. 

By then, I have made up my mind; I HATE WOMEN. I am not gonna date again and I am never gonna fall in love again. Why would I fall in love with someone who would eventually shatter my heart and walk all over it?

 And here’s what I’ve learned from my first experience:

1. The first couple of weeks of a relationship are the most fun (No shit, Sherlock!!).
2. Your first love will never be the one you end up spending your life with later on.
3. DON’T introduce anyone to the family unless you’ve been dating for over a year.
4. Don’t be a dumbass and blurt words like “I love you” the second you feel any unfamiliar feeling. Sometimes, it’s just being horny, you dumb fuck!
5. Space is highly recommended. She doesn’t need to know that you exploded in the bathroom like a lactose intolerant does after drinking a carton of full cream milk. 
6. Farting around her isn’t cool either, she isn’t one of your guy friends. 
7. Never fully-trust a girl, or anyone for that matter. They are most likely to disappoint you. 
8. In every relationship, there’s one person that cares and puts more effort into it than the other. You learn that the hard way.

To sum this up, you should be aware now that no jerk is born that way. Jerks were nice guys once and most probably got burnt by a jerk. After that relationship, I got a little bitter and starting loathing the entire female gender. You get over that, but it kills a little tiny part of you with every serious break up. 


JC

The Jerk Code: An Introduction

I assume if you’re reading this you’re here for one of two reasons: You’re a woman who has been burnt by a jerk and you are dying to understand why, or you’re a jerk yourself and you want to know if you’re doing it right. Either way, I couldn’t care less.

I’ve never been one to care much for writing, but my friend Selena has been insisting that I’ve got something to say for my past experiences with these so-called creatures that have been hailing from Venus. I’d say some of them are Satan’s children and some deserve to be living on Mount Olympus among the gods. Considering my track record, I’ve had my share of both and sadly, I’ve had less experiences with the latter.

I’ve been called many wonderful things in my time: A player, a dick, a womanizer and occasionally, a charmer. My favorite name though, as you’ll grow soon to find out why, has always been jerk. And let me tell you something: Us jerks are awesome. Everyone thinks they understand us but no one really does.

Don’t try to rationalize your own experiences through mine. Don’t take my tricks and try to pull them off. You will fail if you try to do either and you’ll find yourself down the line asking why you ever bothered reading The Jerk Code.

Disclaimer: This blog will contain obscene content and is not recommended for the common wuss. Or the crying feminist. Get over yourself.

Here’s to all the fellow jerks who get it and all the women who never will. Welcome. Welcome to The Jerk Code.

JC